 | I Love You, but I Hate Your Politics is a guide to protecting our relationships “in a poisonous partisan world” written during Donald Trump’s first term as president, but highly relevant in the current polarized climate. The author, a therapist who works with couples and families torn apart by political differences, believes “political fights in intimate relationships are not really about politics. They stem from our compulsion to change other people’s minds so that they will feel and think as we do.” She says we strive to sway others to our perspective because we equate political agreement with emotional harmony. |
“The real issue is our mistaken belief that intimacy is only possible with people who agree with us on everything. . . when in fact it is only by accepting and appreciating our very real differences that true intimacy becomes possible. Otherwise we are just trying to see our own reflections.”
| Although other people's failings and shortcomings, especially those with hateful political views are always hideously obvious, the author advocates an inventory of our role in the conflict. She says examining your own contribution to these disputes “is the key to transforming your relationship from contentious to cooperative—even though you still will not, and probably never will, agree on many important political issues.” |  |
She has five self-inquiry questions, which I found helpful in assessing a family relationship I’m dreading with the upcoming holidays. This is how I answered these questions:
- Does this person’s behavior or personality remind me of anyone in my family? This person’s cocky self-righteous behavior reminds me of a different family member who often belittled and bullied me as a child.
- Why does arguing with this person make me so furious? I rarely actively argue (I’m silently furious). I feel belittled, stupid, and powerless listening to this person pontificate about their beliefs because they’re so wrongheaded (and by not opposing them I fear that I’m agreeing complicitly).
- Is my true agenda to change their mind? How is this familiar? I feel like I’m fighting for my survival, similar to how I felt when I was dating a young lawyer who argued circles around me. (Telling me I shouldn’t feel the way I felt).
- Why is changing this person so urgent? My underlying motivation is that I feel this person is disrespectful to my husband. Challenging their political perspective is a substitute for confronting them on their disrespectful behavior.
- Why do I persist in trying to change them (apart from the political content)? His cocky know-it-all attitude triggers my feelings of inferiority as a woman living in a patriarchy.
In respectful discussions when both parties feel heard, “each side is more likely to see the other person as a human being with emotional needs and legitimate opinions, not just as a political adversary to be vanquished.”
 | The author also advocates focusing on common ground, which is virtually impossible when we’re in heated ideological conflicts. In many cases, she advocates completely swearing off political discussions with loved ones of opposing ideologies: “It is a universal fantasy that we can change other people—especially people that matter to us—by our power of persuasion.” “Accept that political fights are unwinnable. Realize that you can never, ever change another person’s mind about politics or anything else—and stop trying.” One of her more powerful suggestions is to limit our conversations “to those things that let [my family member] be his best self.” |
Almost all of the examples in the book are of left-leaning women and right-leaning men with a few exceptions. This likely speaks to a potential social disconnect between genders within the patriarchy as much as partisan politics. Despite this shortcoming, I Love You, but I Hate Your Politics is a useful tool to avoid family squabbles.
For more on navigating tough conversations, see my reviews of Say the Right Thing and Supercommunicators
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