Nonfiction: Say the Right Thing by Kenji Yoshino & David Glasgow

     Say the Right Thing is a kindhearted yet uncompromising guide to productive conversations across identity divides geared toward allies trying to promote minority inclusion, but useful to any conversation.  The authors provide diverse examples based on race, class, gender, sexual orientation, and disability status.
     “As excruciating as it can feel to have conversations about identity,”  the authors say,  “it’s important to remember people from nondominant groups have always experienced emotional turmoil in these dialogues from being ignored, mocked, tone policed, or subjected to retaliation.  When you find yourself wondering, “Why am I so uncomfortable?”  you might instead ask,  “Why have I been comfortable until now?” 

     The book opens with common ways we avoid potentially uncomfortable conversations: 

• We leave or remain silent to avoid the conversation
• We deflect the focus to a different topic (Disabled people have it worse) or our own hardship 
• We deny the other person’s perspective (mansplaining reproductive rights to women)
• We attack with insults, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or passive-aggressive behavior

     Adopting a growth mindset is one antidote to poor coping responses to our discomfort. 
     “Individuals with a fixed mindset believe their basic qualities—their intelligence, personality, talents, and moral character—are basically unchangeable.  If they’re not good at something, they probably never will be and should give up trying.  Individuals with a growth mindset, in contrast, believe they can cultivate their qualities through effort.”  Including the ability to have productive identity conversations.

     Privilege can be a loaded term, and the authors explore this deftly:
     “[When] people talk about your privilege, they don’t usually mean your life has been a breeze.  More typically, they mean you’re privileged along a particular dimension of life.  To name just a few of those possible dimensions, you have class privilege if you grew up in a wealthy family, citizenship privilege if you’re a citizen of your country of residence, sexual orientation privilege if you’re heterosexual, and ability privilege if you don’t need a mobility aid to move around.  Because privilege is multidimensional, a person could have white privilege and male privilege while also having other severe disadvantages.”
     “[For example, a] white child living in a trailer is absolutely not privileged overall.  But the child’s race isn’t one of his hardships, [whereas] the white child has race-based privilege compared to a Black child in a similar trailer.”

     The “Platinum Rule” is one guide the authors offer in navigating conversations with individuals from disadvantaged social groups: Help others as they wish to be helped.
     “Members of advantaged social groups are often more accustomed to speaking than listening...You might have to work hard to overcome these ingrained tendencies to speak more than you listen.  Over time, though, we think you’ll find it liberating to listen generously and share tentatively, because you’ll stop feeling pressure to claim greater knowledge than you have.”

     The authors also offer meaningful options for apologizing when we misstep:

• [Start with humility:] “I’m still learning here,” or “I don’t have this all figured out,” to signal we’re in a learning posture.”
• “Remorse is the crux of an apology—an acknowledgement you’ve caused someone pain and want to make it right.”
• “Don’t offer “talkpologies” by saying sorry without fixing the problem you caused or changing  your practices.”

     The authors acknowledge how fraught apologizing can be:

•      “Apologies make you acutely vulnerable. What if you admit your error and your conversation partner takes the opportunity to pile on?...What if you’re forced to see something about yourself you didn’t want to see?”

     But it’s worth the risk to act within our personal integrity:

•      “In some cases…the relationship is actually stronger for having been broken and reconciled.”

      The authors devote a chapter to the challenge of addressing people who engage in bigotry:  “Reflexive condemnation is enticing because you can confront bad behavior without having to regulate your emotions or choose your words carefully.”
     They offer a number of actionable ways to address people who engage in offensive behavior without coming off as smug or condemning, mostly by focusing on the behavior without shaming the person. 
     But beware getting trapped in debating people who aren’t open to change.  The authors note that individuals “expend too much energy trying to persuade” stuck people, when they're better served focusing on people who are persuadable.

     “Because we’ve learned from our mistakes and seen others do the same,” the authors say, “we’ve become confident the art of identity conversations can be taught and learned just like any other skill.”
     Say the Right Thing is an excellent resource for anyone hoping for meaningful conversations with people of diverse social identities.

For more excellent communication advice, read my review of Supercommunicators. 
For reviews of mind-opening social critiques:
​Paradise Built in Hell, How to be an Anti-Racist; Stories are Weapons, and What Makes a Hero?

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