 | In Supercommunicators, journalist Charles Duhigg takes a deep dive into the scientific research on human communication. He uses fascinating stories and anecdotes to create an engaging and informative book. There are three types of conversation: (1) those focused on facts and decision-making, (2) conversations focused on emotional connection or expression, and (3) social conversations that explore who we are relative to other people. Miscommunication occurs when one person wants to express their emotions and the other wants to solve the problem (decision-making). A supercommunicator might ask, “Do you want me to suggest some solutions or do you just need to vent?” |
During a conflict, one of the best ways to demonstrate we’re listening, “is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right.”
The author says, “Our goal, for most meaningful discussions, should be to have a ‘learning conversation.’ Specifically, we want to learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspective in turn.”
On negotiation: “it is increasingly recognized that there are cooperative ways of negotiating our differences and that even if a ‘win-win’ solution cannot be found, a wise agreement can still often be reached that is better for both sides.” He says, “Negotiation … isn’t a battle. It’s an act of creativity.”
The author says, “Our goal, for most meaningful discussions, should be to have a ‘learning conversation.’ Specifically, we want to learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspective in turn.”
On negotiation: “it is increasingly recognized that there are cooperative ways of negotiating our differences and that even if a ‘win-win’ solution cannot be found, a wise agreement can still often be reached that is better for both sides.” He says, “Negotiation … isn’t a battle. It’s an act of creativity.”
The most powerful way to foster emotional connection is through vulnerability: expressing or revealing deeply held beliefs and values, describing meaningful experiences, or exposing ourselves to others’ judgments. “If you want to connect with someone, ask them what they are feeling, and then reveal your own emotions.”
The author shared a personal experience about when his father died. He says, “His death was one of the most important—most emotional and profound events in my life. I would have treasured someone asking, ‘What was your Dad like?’ ”
The author shared a personal experience about when his father died. He says, “His death was one of the most important—most emotional and profound events in my life. I would have treasured someone asking, ‘What was your Dad like?’ ”
The author recommends open questions that invite deeper discussion:
- How’d you decide to become a teacher?
- What was your favorite part of college?
- Are you glad you went to graduate school?
- What do you like about where you live?
- What’s the best thing about where you grew up?
- Tell me about your family.
- If you could learn anything, what would it be?
- What do you like best about your job?
- What would be a perfect day for you?
- What do you feel most grateful for in your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
Looping for Understanding
I was also fascinated by looping for understanding:
“You tell a story and three people are listening to you. One of them is listening for what happens…the facts of what happened to you. The second person is listening for your values and the things that you most care about in that story… And the third person is listening [for] what emotions are coming through . . . And then each of the three people listening reports back what they heard.”
I can imagine applying this to writing: reading or revising focused on what happens (plot), values (themes), and character (and reader) emotions.
I was also fascinated by looping for understanding:
“You tell a story and three people are listening to you. One of them is listening for what happens…the facts of what happened to you. The second person is listening for your values and the things that you most care about in that story… And the third person is listening [for] what emotions are coming through . . . And then each of the three people listening reports back what they heard.”
I can imagine applying this to writing: reading or revising focused on what happens (plot), values (themes), and character (and reader) emotions.
Identity Threat
One of the most powerful sections of the book focused on bridging the divide between people of different social “tribes.” Researchers studied prejudices based on gender, anti-vaxxer beliefs, and gun rights vs. gun control.
They discovered that finding meaningful common ground was helpful in bridging polarities, but it was also important to avoid identity threat: alienating people by lumping them into socially unacceptable groups.
Identity threats thrive on generalizations (All men are . . .). An example: Since you don’t have kids, you can’t understand how a parent feels seeing a child hurt. This lumps the listener in with all childless people and tells them they can’t empathize with children.
The author says, “when we describe our own experiences, feelings, and reactions—when we feel safe enough to reveal who we are—we start to neutralize identity threats. In other words, speaking from my truth, rather than speaking for or about other people.
One of the most powerful sections of the book focused on bridging the divide between people of different social “tribes.” Researchers studied prejudices based on gender, anti-vaxxer beliefs, and gun rights vs. gun control.
They discovered that finding meaningful common ground was helpful in bridging polarities, but it was also important to avoid identity threat: alienating people by lumping them into socially unacceptable groups.
Identity threats thrive on generalizations (All men are . . .). An example: Since you don’t have kids, you can’t understand how a parent feels seeing a child hurt. This lumps the listener in with all childless people and tells them they can’t empathize with children.
The author says, “when we describe our own experiences, feelings, and reactions—when we feel safe enough to reveal who we are—we start to neutralize identity threats. In other words, speaking from my truth, rather than speaking for or about other people.
Supercommincators is full of captivating stories and actionable tips to improve any level of connection.
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